You thought you were in a relationship that would last forever. The two of you had talked about the places you would visit someday, the things you would do together, maybe even about getting married.
But now it's over. Whether it was you or your partner who decided to make the break, you may be feeling really bad about the end of your relationship.
Why Are Breakups So Painful?A breakup is a loss, the end of something that was special and important to you. The grief you feel can be similar to the grief you experience when someone dies. You will miss the person -the special things you did together, the long talks you had, the private jokes you shared. You may wonder what might have been or simply miss being part of a couple.
Even if you were the one who ended the relationship, there were probably good things about it - and about your ex - that you'll be sorry to lose. Maybe you had grown close to some of your ex's family members and now you won't see them anymore. Maybe your ex is the only person you've ever met who shares your passion for a certain type of music or art.
Is It Normal to Feel This Way?When you're going through a breakup, you'll probably feel many different emotions, often at the same time.
You may feel very sad.
You may be angry. "How could she break up with me after all I've done for her?" or "How could he prefer that person to me?"
You may have self-doubt. "Why did she leave - what's wrong with me?"
You may feel abandoned. "How could he leave me alone?"
You may feel fear. "What if no one ever loves me again?"
You may even feel some relief. "I could see this coming for a long time, and now it's finally over."
If you're the one who made the break, you may feel guilty about hurting the other person. You may wonder - even if you had a good reason for breaking up - if you're a bad person for doing it.
The emotional stress can affect you physically as well. You may feel run down and wonder where all your energy went. You might have trouble sleeping or sleep much more. You may not want to even look at food or you may want to eat everything in sight.
It's important to realize that it's normal to feel the way you do and that all of your mixed feelings about the breakup are valid. Identifying these emotions - and acknowledging why you have them - is an essential step in coping. At first, your feelings may be intense, almost unbearable. Fortunately, this intensity won't last forever; over time, you will find it gradually diminishes.
Taking Care of YourselfWhile you're getting over the breakup, it can help to express your feelings in some way. You might write in a journal, compose music, paint, or draw. You can also talk to people you trust - close friends or family - or seek help from a trained counselor. If you need to, cry.
Take time to tune into your thoughts, too. Are you being too self-critical? Do you blame yourself for the breakup? Thoughts like these can drag you down and make it harder for you to get over the relationship. Now, more than ever, you need to think positively about yourself and treat yourself well.
It's OK to spend some time alone if you want to, but don't isolate yourself or wallow in your feelings. Make sure you still get out and do stuff with friends. Exercise can improve your mood, so take walks or work out in the gym and invite a friend along for some company. And try to eat good food and resist the temptation to console yourself with junk food.
If Things Don't Get BetterAs with any loss, you will need time to recover from a breakup. If you're not feeling better after a couple of months, however, or if you're finding it hard just to get through the day, it may be time to get help. Some signs of depression to watch out for are:
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
Not wanting to eat and losing weight, or binge eating and gaining weight
Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
Feeling helpless, hopeless, or worthless
Taking no pleasure in the things that you usually enjoy
Feeling tired most of the time
If this is how you're feeling and you can't seem to shake it, then talking to someone is really important.
Most colleges have counselors who can meet with you and help you work through some of your grief, anger, and other feelings. You may also find comfort in support groups of students who are going through similar experiences.
Moving OnWhen you start to feel better after the breakup, don't think that you have to jump into a new relationship right away. It's fine to be on your own.
When you've put some distance between yourself and the old relationship, you may want to spend time trying to think more objectively about what went wrong. What were the good points, and what were the bad? What will you do differently the next time you become involved?
The end of a relationship is something that almost everyone goes through at one time or another. The only way you can avoid the pain of a breakup is to avoid having any close relationships - and that's not a good option.
Despite the emotional upheaval, things will start to look better after a while. Then one day you'll suddenly realize that you're over it. And if you're lucky, you will have learned something from the relationship that ended - something that may help you make your next relationship more successful